eight months.

Wow. My last blog was 8 months ago. I totally forgot about blogging. But today my friend encouraged me to start again. So I am. :)

It is so weird to look back and see how much pain I was in, in December. It is weird because I barely remember those emotions. I remember going through it, but I don’t remember the actual pain. Thank goodness.

I did not get into Nursing School. And, it was totally a God thing. I started this blog explaining how I wanted to go into Nursing School, but all the while, the Lord had it in His mind that I was going to major in Clinical Research.

Long story short, when I went to take the exam for my CNA, I did not have my social security card (by an entire string of things that were not my fault). And I realized that, no matter what you do, how well you do it, or what your goals are…God is going to get His way in the end. No ifs, ands, or buts. He is going to win, every time.

SO! Now, I am extremely excited about going into Clinical Research school starting this August. I have 2 years to get my degree, and hopefully a job offer will be waiting for me when I graduate. Haha. I have heard that Clinical Research majors usually graduate with a couple job offers, so I am hopeful. :)

As for relationships, none of those right now…and I couldn’t be happier with that situation. I love being single right now. I’ve had multiple conversations with friends about how I can’t wait to move from the USA and travel the world. I need to get a job, save up some money, and go travel for a few years. I want to completely fill my passport and go to every country I possibly can. I want to learn a new language. I want to experience a different culture. I want to experience people. I want to experience.

So, with that kind of yearning for the future, a husband…or even boyfriend, would keep me from my goals. I would have to be responsible for someone else. Take another life into consideration. The ability to get up, move and travel the world is not an option.

this is the main reason why i am single and do not own a puppy.

hahahahaha. YES. 

(via jacqbelle)

moving on.

the last week has been really hard. there are hours when it’s so good and i feel so good. and then there are moments where i honestly feel like the walls are caving in and i can’t do anything except scream and run away.

good news is, there are more good moments than bad moments. at least i have that.

i talked with mom today. she made such a good point. she asked, “annie, what’s holding you back? what is keeping you from moving on?”

and to be honest, what i have experienced lately is that i am not interested in other men. i do not want to be in a relationship. the thought of being in a relationship right now with anyone else makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. no one seems attractive to me anymore. and i have found that SO odd considering i have always found so many men attractive. all the time. haha. 

but then, i finally realized what it is. why i can’t move on from this.

i finally realized the lack of trust and faith that i have in God.

i honestly thought that i had so much faith in God, but faith goes so much further than just “oh, i believe there is a God.” no. it’s so much more than that. saying you have FAITH in God means, “oh, you don’t want this for my life right now? okay. well, i trust you that it is the correct thing and i trust you and have faith that this is what is best for me.”

yeah, i don’t have that.

maybe this is what this has all been about. maybe this relationship and break up was exactly what i needed to realize how much i don’t trust God. so when i did realize it, i am now able to heal from it, and allow God to work on me in that area of my relationship with Him.

i am not going to lie, i am angry. i am hurt. i am sad. i am bitter. i am crazy. i am bruised. and i am scarred. but that is NOT going to stop me. i have let it hold me back from weeks of happiness. but NO. not anymore. it is not August anymore. it is not September anymore. this is December. this is where i am. i MUST stop looking at where i was, and what i thought to be real. this is what is real. this is truth. and i am going to start living that way.

i want to have so much faith so that when something bad happens to me, i can just throw up my hands and say, “well that was fun! what’s next Lord?!” with a big smile on my face.

yeah, i want that. 

healing.

“don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

that quote is making so much sense to me now. mom came down here this weekend and held me and helped me through so much. she gave me some great advice, and she is so right about so many things. i love her wisdom. and i am so thankful for her coming down here to love on me a little. to help me get through some rough things.

i’ve learned a lot through this relationship and break up. i’ve learned a lot about men, relationships and most importantly, i’ve learned a lot about myself. some lessons that i have learned are lessons that are going to be with me for the rest of my life, and help me through making decisions based on so many things.
for example:

1. i will stop looking at every potential boyfriend as a “potential husband.” but rather, i’ll look at them as a “potential someone i could spend a long time with.”
2. my heart will be guarded. and guarded hard.
3. i will not get into a relationship without being friends with the man first. and friends only.
4. i will not get into another relationship until i have known the guy for at least a year if not more before. if not and entire year, i need to know him VERY well. 
5. i will date, and date for an extended period of time before i even begin to think about getting into a serious relationship.
6. i will get to know myself, before i even begin dating.
7. i will spend as much time as i need to in order to be comfortable enough with myself in order to not have my world completely wrecked if the relationship does end up ending. 

i am very excited for this next year. i hope the Lord doesn’t have any guys planned in the near future because i can’t wait to find myself. and figure out exactly who i am. :)

this is so exciting. a new experience! a new beginning! I AM READY.  

broken.

you know, when you are heart broken and when you feel like it is never going to get better, it really does help to think back to a time when you went through the same situation…and realize that you DO get the ability to come out of your heartache.

everything will get better. it will it will it will. and i have faith that i will be okay. and not just okay, but better than i was before. because that is what has happened every time. i was hurt—i healed—i became happier than i was before i was hurt.

so i am excited to be happy again. :)

hard day.

today was a really hard day. 
i couldn’t sleep. so i decided to run at 3:30am. Haha.

I ended up running for 4.3 miles. Who ‘da thunk?

These past few weeks have been hard on me. As a victim of something I won’t go into detail about, there was a situation where I ended up losing all security when I am unable to be in control. 

I am unable to remain secure when I feel like I have no control.

And this doesn’t involve any control over a certain person, but control over a situation.

And with the situation that has happened over the course of a month or so, I found myself losing control…which equaled to me losing my security and turning to insecurity.

My insecurity pushed away one of my best friends. And it breaks my heart every moment that I think about it. Not that I lost a relationship, but that I lost my best friend. 

The Lord taught me a lot on our run this morning at 3:30. They were some hard truths, but they were definitely some good truths. I can’t wait to think more about them and complie them into a book that I am writing. :)

Oh! And I am getting my hair cut this weekend!

OH!! And I learned guitar!

So, I have learned guitar, learned that I suck at remaining secure in a situation that I can not control, and three: I CAN RUN!!! :)

insomnia.

I wrote this poem a few years ago when I had insomnia. there are still nights when i can’t sleep and i have panic attacks, and i read this poem. it scares me how the feelings are still the same.

“thoughts beckon at my sleep
counting sheep no longer means a thing
when eye lids can’t fall
like the last leaf on the tree.

worries fill my stomach
blocking me from entering the place
i most often dream of
while i am awake.

turn off my mind
my body grows weary
future troubles already arriving
even when not insight.

life seems longer 
when thoughts fill my mind 
days do not turn into nights
only into prisons.

my heart can’t hold it all
as if screaming will ease the pain
my pillow becomes my only ally
in understanding this misfortune.

as i lay thinking
as i lay wondering
as i lay hoping
the clock stands still.”

i just wanna be treasured.

happiness.

i once heard, somewhere, that “happiness is a choice.” 

it’s what you CHOOSE to do with the present situation that you are in. you can either choose to be happy, and make the best of your situation, or choose to not be happy and wallow in your own self pity.

people can tell you what to choose. but that doesn’t mean you will take it. mom use to always say, “you can lead a horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink.”

i choose to be happy. whatever situation. i choose to be happy in contentment. and in the fact that i have it better off than so many other people in this world.

if there is a child who has to travel MILES to get fresh water, and still have a smile on his face…there is NO reason why i shouldn’t be happy. 

that example right there shows you that your situations don’t choose your happiness…you do. 

dreams.

in the last 3 weeks, i have only had 2 dreams that i can fully remember the entirety of the dream. both of them have been about a certain someone, and about theatre. both things which are not currently in my life anymore. 

last night, i finally got to feel the feeling of being on stage again. i woke up and realized how much i missed it, and almost fell into tears.

why does the Lord take me away from theatre, and then give me dreams upon dreams about being on stage? i miss acting. i miss that feeling. i miss that rush of the first night opening. i miss rehearsals. i miss the props, makeup, costumes. i miss wondering how many people are in the audience, and then almost peeing your pants when you saw that it was a full house. i miss stage directions. i miss my high school theatre teacher. i miss scripts and spending hours memorizing lines. i miss calling for a line and having the stage manager yell it at me from the audience. i miss laughing about stupid mistakes we made when we listened to notes from the director. i miss being in the theatre until 2 am working on a dance that we had been working on for 2 months, and still couldn’t get it perfect. i miss getting the dance perfect and still remembering it 6 years later.

i. miss. the theatre. so much i can almost taste it. i can almost smell the smell of the auditorium on opening night. 

i miss myself.